The diary of a 21st century nobody - Mad cows

I have always viewed cows as docile creatures with not a hint of ferocity about them. I will happily wander through a field of them when on a country walk, secure in the knowledge that they are more afraid of me than I am of them...... That was until Saturday afternoon, when a friend and I came across a young herd clearly in need of an ASBO (anti-social behaviour order)! These were the bovine equivalent of the 'chav'. They swaggered toward my friend and our dogs on a narrow path alongside a beck.

Their field was just a few hundred yards away, and it was something of a surprise to come across such a sizeable herd this far from their field. They approached in a long, single file, looking fairly cute at this stage. Initially, we retreated a short distance in order to allow them to walk past us and then upward to their field. Well, that was our plan -it was clearly not theirs, and spotting the 2 dogs, the calves decided, collectively, to do a little 'menacing'!

One brave animal ran, in an ungainly canter, towards the 2 dogs who were not on the leads at this time**. Now then, most dogs would run along and mind their own business in this situation. My dog - as stupid as the day is long - thought that this rather large dog wanted to play, so having retreated a few paces, he then turned back toward the animal and, tail wagging excitedly, envisaged a few minutes of play with his new 'friend'. WRONG!! The animal merely saw this as a threat and ran at both dogs with more urgency and murder in it's eye!

It was at this point that the remainder of the herd - for herd, read gang!! - decided that the 2-legged victims would be easier to pursue than the 4-legged ones, and formed themselves into a rather intimidating pack-formation and commenced to thunder behind us down the narrow path! I yelled to the dogs to 'get away, run,' and then took my own advice and did likewise. I could see the way to safety ahead of me, but 2 things now diverted my focus of attention. Firstly, from behind me, I heard my friend call to her dog 'get in the water'. Bad idea! Her dog was way ahead of us, with mine,almost to safety, but now she faithfully turned back at her owner's command - straight toward the stampeding cattle!! I yelled at the top of my voice, urging the dog to return to mine and safety. Thankfully, I scared her enough to do so. Secondly, I was aware that my friend had now climbed down the bank and into the water, and was now knee-deep in the beck behind me. We needed 2 escape routes now! I also realised that the calves had split into 2 groups to perform a 'pincer movement' and cut off my escape. NO,NO,NO!!! I sprinted -(yes, believe it or not, I actually did !),- clambered over tree roots, loose rocks, the edge of the banking and some tangled barbed wire, and hoisted myself up onto the stone bridge over the beck where the 2 dogs now sat watching quizzically as events unfolded!

In the interim, seeing that 3 out of the 4 of us had escaped, these bovine bullies turned their attention to my friend in the water who now clutched a large piece of slate - why? I do not know! To draw them? Use as a boomerang to behead a few? Or to cover her face and hope they wouldn't see her?? All I knew was that she had to escape as they had now lined up along the bank of the beck, cutting off any hope of getting out of the water to escape. The bank on the opposite side was impossible for her to climb. It was possible that she could be trapped and trampled in the water if they decided to descend into it.

Now far be it from me to encourage revenge, for it can be a very ugly and long drawn out affair; but I am going to advocate one thing..... In this case, revenge is not a dish best served cold; it is best served hot, and preferably between the halves of a seeded bun with salad and mayonnaise!!! EAT MORE MEAT - cows are not soft, gentle creatures - they are organised and threatening, and you had best hope they never plan world domination!!

I decided it would be best to scare them off and give her some time to get to the bridge (and put that wretched slate down!!), so I ran AT them, arms flung wide in a demented 'star jump', throwing handfuls of soil and pebbles as I went. Nothing. No effect. They merely observed me from beneath their long eyelashes as if I were as stupid as the dogs, and then turned from me and down toward the beck....My aggressive stand, however, had been sufficiently long for my friend to wade to the bridge and scramble through barbed wire and finally to safety. Disconsolately, we ambled away without a backward glance.