Error analysis corrected version

By Rosamund Place | July 18, 2006

Error Analysis – Corrected Version

  • Although there are quite a lot of errors, the letter communicates well and the writer’s requirements are very clear.

  • The overall effect is a little strange and it is obvious that the letter has been written by someone who is not a native speaker.

  • The content and paragraphing are very well managed and we can see how with a little more attention to the actual language this could become a very good piece of writing.

Remember: we need to pay attention to all the elements; content, structure and linguistic elements for the writing to be good.

Dear Sir/Madam,

My name is Mrs Dobson am writing this mail on behalf of my daughter, Penelope Dobson, a prospective student.

I would like herto study Politics in your institution,

I am an accountant working in one of the banks here
in Singapore. you might have some understanding
of we accountants and howwe are relunctant to waste a
penny! This is due to our professional training.
I am paying the school fee on one condition: (this statement is a little strong for an application letter and might be seen as rudeness!)
I must see a Letter of Admission, or an acceptance letter from the school in order to gain a student visa.

I am capable of paying the school fee per semester.(I am prepared to pay the school fee per semester) I will pay upon her (or better) my daughter’s arrival,( we have not heard about the daughter for some time so it is worth repeating her here) I will send the AFFIDAVIT OF FINANCIAL SUPPORT with the remaining documents.

About the registration/application fee, I wanted to send it via/as a money order but the bank manager where I am working said the amount was too small and that I should include it with the school fee.

I will make out an International cheque payable to your institution once I receive the Letter of admission , I will send the cheque direct from my bank,
I will pay upon my daughter’s arrival.

I am very sorry for the delay regarding the application fee, This is due to the Banking Procedures here and is the reason I would like to pay the application fee and school fee together so it would be easier for me.I am
glad when my son/daughter? showed me your school prospectus on your website, I am very impressed.

I want him/her? to start his/her course by Spring 2002. I don’t want the situation whereby the application fee will delay the process in this matter.

I am not saying your school should waive the application fee, if this is acceptable, I promise to send it with the school fee upon my daughter’s arrival.
Should he/she? go ahead and submit the other documents as soon as possible?

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours faithfully,

Mrs Sheena Dobson .

General note: this letter is too long and repetitive for a simple application.

 

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